The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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