You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
