please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
