Someone shit on the floor
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
