Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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