I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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