Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
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The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
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I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
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