I have demons in me.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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