I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
