My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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