I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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