my phone needs a breathalizer
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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