I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
