I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
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