u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
tonight lets celebrate not being married
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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