you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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