i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
