I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
