That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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