my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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