Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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