I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
