you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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