it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
