she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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