I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
