thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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