This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
