I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
