remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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