Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
