a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The air was thick with penises
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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