i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
