my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
