Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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