you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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