we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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