I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She told me I should be a condom model.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
