hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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