There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
