I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
