I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
We smell like vodka and hangover
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