What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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