He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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