My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
