What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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