so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
