she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
