Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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