Banned from zoo.
Again?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
