at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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