I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
