i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
