my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
sarcasm needs its own font
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
