Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I wish I only lived at night.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
