He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
