so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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