she woke up with a sticky ear
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
