Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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