i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
